Monday, July 13, 2015

The Root of Success is Loving Support



There is nothing that helps me more than the support of my friends and family. I am reminded daily that I am one of the luckiest people on earth. A dear friend gave me a journal to track my progress and that has provided inspiration for this blog.  Another precious friend sent me beautiful flowers. Another checks on me multiple times a week and offers to help with things at my house.  Cards and encouraging emails are more helpful than you will ever know.  There aren’t enough words in the universe to express how helpful my partner in life, Al, is every single day. This encouragement builds me up when I am down and gives me a reason to fight every day.  I’m sure I sound super positive in these little blog entries, but you will note that I don’t write them on my bad days.

I do have some bad days and these experiences are not the things that I want to dwell on.  But when those days or even moments come around, having friends and loved ones (is there really a difference between these two?) who listen makes all the difference.  There are lots of things I’m learning about healing and survival on this journey that I want to share with you, but absolutely nothing has more impact on my life and directly on my health than the support of my loved ones. I’ll never be able to repay the hours and hours of investment in listening from my wonderful support system.  But the good news is that I won’t have to, because that’s what friends are for.

My experience benefiting from these wonderful people leads me to a few words of advice to those who are supporting a friend or loved one on this challenging journey.  Listen calmly and don’t judge.  This can be an overwhelming journey and I can state from firsthand knowledge that you can think some pretty crazy things along the way.  I went through a few very dark days right after I had heard from the last of the doctors outlining my treatment plan. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was the not so favorable report from the reconstruction surgeon. (Turns out that if you don’t have much excess body fat or sagging skin “there’s not a lot to work with here”) But in truth it was everything. The chemo, surgery, radiation, estrogen suppression, and reconstruction seemed overwhelming.  I told Al I wasn’t sure I could do any of it and I didn’t want to go back to the hospital again.  He listened without reacting or judging and helped me focus on one step at a time, just the first 12 weeks of chemotherapy.  If he had reacted negatively, the conversation would have been over and I would have stewed in my negative thoughts for days.  


Be aware that sometimes it’s best to talk about things besides cancer. There are times when I want to talk about cancer and times when I don’t.  Good friends are sensitive to that and don’t bring it up when I say I’m done with that part of the conversation.  They also say nothing when 5 minutes after I say that I’m done talking about cancer for today, I bring it up again.  No one could have more understanding listeners. 

Being the first one to reach out is also helpful.  As a cancer patient, I hesitate to reach out to those I love because I don’t want to be a “Debbie Downer” in their lives.  If you have never been through this, you have no idea how crappy it feels when you are first diagnosed to call up a friend.  It goes something like this:

Me:        “Hi, how are you?”

Friend: “Pretty good, except I’m trying to get ready for … and the kids are driving me crazy… How are you?”

Me:        “Everything is great with me except that I have cancer.”

Conversation stopped dead… everyone is officially depressed.

So I hesitate to call people up, even people I should reach out to, because instead of “reach out and touch someone”, it’s “reach out and ruin someone’s day”! 

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it when I hear from a friend.  That is the signal that my loved one is feeling good and ready for whatever things I have to say. I don’t have to feel like I’m subjecting them to unwanted “Debbie Downer” talk if I’m feeling low or dealing with a challenge.  And if I’m in a good place, which fortunately I am nearly all the time now, it’s just great to feel cared about and to talk about normal things.

I’ve even been blessed with encouragement from people I don’t know that well.  When we met with the head of the nanotechnology research project at MD Anderson that I’m so excited about a few weeks ago, Al told her about my diagnosis.  We didn’t talk about it much other than a discussion about how the ability to easily detect and target individual cancer cells could eliminate much of the physically difficult aspects of cancer treatment in general.  Just this past Friday night, over a month after our little visit, she sent an email to Al asking how I was doing. I was really tired that night, but hearing about her thoughtfulness brought a smile to my face and renewed my energy.  So, don’t hesitate to reach out and encourage a virtual stranger.  It really does help!

I believe that the loving support I’m receiving is a more important factor in my success against cancer than all the drugs and other medical treatments. I’m reminded that I am fortunate to have the privilege of knowing such wonderful people. A wise friend pointed out that cancer treatment is a marathon, not a sprint. (A great reason to go out and buy new shoes!) So keep those cards and messages coming. Sometimes I just need a reminder that it’s time to put my big girl pants on and hit the track!




Al has started a campaign to raise money in support of an early cancer detection research project called Nanomagnetic Relaxometry. Read more about this project on our Texas Thru My Back Door blog or click the button below

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