There is nothing that helps me more than the support of my
friends and family. I am reminded daily that I am one of the luckiest people on
earth. A dear friend gave me a journal to track my progress and that has
provided inspiration for this blog.
Another precious friend sent me beautiful flowers. Another checks on me
multiple times a week and offers to help with things at my house. Cards and encouraging emails are more helpful
than you will ever know. There aren’t
enough words in the universe to express how helpful my partner in life, Al, is
every single day. This encouragement builds me up when I am down and gives me a
reason to fight every day. I’m sure I
sound super positive in these little blog entries, but you will note that I
don’t write them on my bad days.
I do have some bad days and these experiences are not the
things that I want to dwell on. But when
those days or even moments come around, having friends and loved ones (is there
really a difference between these two?) who listen makes all the
difference. There are lots of things I’m
learning about healing and survival on this journey that I want to share with
you, but absolutely nothing has more impact on my life and directly on my
health than the support of my loved ones. I’ll never be able to repay the hours
and hours of investment in listening from my wonderful support system. But the good news is that I won’t have to,
because that’s what friends are for.
My experience benefiting from these wonderful people leads
me to a few words of advice to those who are supporting a friend or loved one
on this challenging journey. Listen
calmly and don’t judge. This can be an
overwhelming journey and I can state from firsthand knowledge that you can
think some pretty crazy things along the way.
I went through a few very dark days right after I had heard from the
last of the doctors outlining my treatment plan. The proverbial straw that
broke the camel’s back was the not so favorable report from the reconstruction
surgeon. (Turns out that if you don’t have much excess body fat or sagging skin
“there’s not a lot to work with here”) But in truth it was everything. The
chemo, surgery, radiation, estrogen suppression, and reconstruction seemed
overwhelming. I told Al I wasn’t sure I
could do any of it and I didn’t want to go back to the hospital again. He listened without reacting or judging and
helped me focus on one step at a time, just the first 12 weeks of chemotherapy. If he had reacted negatively, the
conversation would have been over and I would have stewed in my negative
thoughts for days.
Be aware that sometimes it’s best to talk about things
besides cancer. There are times when I want to talk about cancer and times when
I don’t. Good friends are sensitive to
that and don’t bring it up when I say I’m done with that part of the
conversation. They also say nothing when
5 minutes after I say that I’m done talking about cancer for today, I bring it
up again. No one could have more
understanding listeners.
Being the first one to reach out is also helpful. As a cancer patient, I hesitate to reach out
to those I love because I don’t want to be a “Debbie Downer” in their
lives. If you have never been through
this, you have no idea how crappy it feels when you are first diagnosed to call
up a friend. It goes something like
this:
Me: “Hi, how are you?”
Friend: “Pretty
good, except I’m trying to get ready for … and the kids are driving me crazy…
How are you?”
Me: “Everything is great with me except that I
have cancer.”
Conversation stopped dead… everyone
is officially depressed.
So I hesitate to call people up, even people I should reach
out to, because instead of “reach out and touch someone”, it’s “reach out and
ruin someone’s day”!
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it when I hear from a
friend. That is the signal that my loved
one is feeling good and ready for whatever things I have to say. I don’t have
to feel like I’m subjecting them to unwanted “Debbie Downer” talk if I’m
feeling low or dealing with a challenge.
And if I’m in a good place, which fortunately I am nearly all the time
now, it’s just great to feel cared about and to talk about normal things.
I’ve even been blessed with encouragement from people I
don’t know that well. When we met with
the head of the nanotechnology research project at MD Anderson that I’m so
excited about a few weeks ago, Al told her about my diagnosis. We didn’t talk about it much other than a
discussion about how the ability to easily detect and target individual cancer
cells could eliminate much of the physically difficult aspects of cancer
treatment in general. Just this past
Friday night, over a month after our little visit, she sent an email to Al
asking how I was doing. I was really tired that night, but hearing about her
thoughtfulness brought a smile to my face and renewed my energy. So, don’t hesitate to reach out and encourage
a virtual stranger. It really does help!
I believe that the loving support I’m receiving is a more
important factor in my success against cancer than all the drugs and other
medical treatments. I’m reminded that I am fortunate to have the
privilege of knowing such wonderful people. A wise friend pointed out that
cancer treatment is a marathon, not a sprint. (A great reason to go out and buy
new shoes!) So keep those
cards and messages coming. Sometimes I just need a reminder that it’s time to
put my big girl pants on and hit the track!
Al has started a campaign to raise money in support of an early cancer detection research project called Nanomagnetic Relaxometry. Read more about this project on our Texas Thru My Back Door blog or click the button below
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